This morning I was tracking my inner dialogue and I kept noticing this particular phrase: “Jordan, are you being loving towards yourself right now?”

The voice of my conscience.

I scanned the sky and listened.

I’ll admit that love is an impossible concept to define and delineate, but I nevertheless feel disappointed with the majority of self-love teachings on the Internet.

They’re not true, not fully.

They’re lopsided and incomplete, and they fail to inspire my masculine heart and what I need on the inside.

The mainstream concept of self-love is feminine-leaning, and it doesn’t feel true to my internal reality as a man. It likewise doesn’t resonate with the many men I’ve supported through father wounds and brother wounds during intimate moments of emotional honesty.

The truth is that healthy men crave conditional love from both the outside and the inside, but this statement sounds backwards or possibly even dangerous for people who don’t understand masculine psychology.

There is nothing wrong with the feminine-leaning focus on self compassion and self acceptance, but this is mother love and men generally draw their emotional confidence in living life according to timeless yet tender masculine principles which transcend and include the sentiment of self acceptance within a greater aspirational framework for value-based, conditional love and celebration.

NOTE: I’m not suggesting a wild swing towards expressing none of the compassion and care which are often associated with the concept of love. This is a post about promoting paternalistic love to improve your relationship with yourself from a masculine perspective, and I hope you can appreciate that this doesn’t equate to an attack on the power of motherly love - please keep reading.

Love is complex, and we thrive through a synthesis of mother-love and father-love, but the masculine inner world is defined by male energy and masculine principles, so it makes sense to amplify the importance of self love in the corresponding style.

To focus primarily on self compassion at the expense of self-respect, as established and reinforced through behavioural boundaries and moral framework, is generally inadequate and uninspiring for the healthy man.

Men care about their actions and results, and it’s not ignorant or immature to place a significant amount of your self esteem in the literal things you’re doing on a weekly basis.

Your actions are real, tangible, and it’s frankly more embodied and grounded to measure yourself according to your existence in material reality rather than cognitive narratives or positive language structures.

It’s not enough to say that you love yourself.

You need to feel love by having been love.

You need to do love by having done love.

Ultimately, I believe that masculine-oriented self love is conditional in the best way possible. The majority of my personal practice is defined by this approach, and it’s helped me heal the wounds from my past while likewise creating an extraordinary mindset and inner dialogue.

To speak plainly, I haven’t experienced negative self-talk or self-hating language within my inner dialogue for about four years.

I might experience moments of disappointment when I’ve acted out of character, but I cannot remember the last time I spoke tyrannical words towards myself… because that’s clearly unloving language which is entirely inappropriate unless I had committed genuine evil.

Truthfully, if you want to understand the secret of living your life according to the principles of conditional masculine love, then I want you to join me in having conversations with your inner grandfather.

Values and discernments, your inner grandfather offers advice about how to accept or reject behaviours and beliefs which impact your subjective sense of self respect and internal cohesion.

He takes you for a walk and speaks firmly but fairly, and openly expresses his doubts about conversations where compassion and acceptance are painted over self degradation as a cheap cover-up.

Male love is both caring and conditional when examined in its fullness, and I’ve seen the beauty of male love while working with men and experiencing contrasting moments of shared tears and shared ambition emanating from the same deep and enduring well of self-respect and intentional self limitation.

There are loving conditions to be met, and we damage our reputation with ourselves when we choose vice over virtue.

Healthy men dream of becoming someone who does important things for the benefit of others.

We dream towards improving the lives of our families, our friends and our communities, with the unstoppable desire to generate and contribute in a way that goes beyond selfish indulgence.

I think it’s fair to say that healthy masculinity is defined by generativity, whereas unhealthy masculinity is defined by compulsive consumption and atomistic isolation within the shallow and superficial world of the man who cares only for himself.

Back to my inner dialogue: “Jordan, are you being loving towards yourself right now?”

Today I’ve been reflecting on my daily behaviours, such as my social media use and positive but not ideal consistency with both reading and training, and I would be lying to myself if I didn’t acknowledge the invitation to grow into a more loving relationship with myself through tough, tender, and conditional masculine love.

It’s your choice how you want to live today, but please make sure that you are committed to accepting nothing less than 90% cohesion between your beliefs and your behaviours.

Don’t settle for accepting things which you shouldn’t accept, not when other people are counting on you to be the person who shines light into the darkness.

Seek counsel with your inner grandfather, and let his rooted wisdom illuminate the shadows of your self denial so that the whole world may benefit from your illuminated generativity.

Jordan