I’ve been sober for five years, but I’ve been struggling with addiction lately - and it’s not drink or drugs which are causing me problems.

YouTube is my problem, and it’s gotten bad.

I’ve reached a point where I’m convinced that our ‘normal phone use’ is more psychologically harmful than drink and drug binges on the weekends.

Your screens might not be more physically damaging than illicit substances, but I’ve got a sickening feeling that we've been unconsciously undercutting our peace and potential in our pursuit of online education.

I don’t struggle with Instagram, video games, or adult entertainment anymore, but I’m hooked on fitness, finance and psycho-spiritual development on YouTube mobile…

I’m not exaggerating when I say that I’ve been experiencing consistent, medium-grade harm to my health and happiness as a result of my compulsive consumption of educational YouTube videos.

Little by little, we heal our bodies.

Little by little, we bruise our spirits too.

Our addictions aren’t built overnight, and I’ve maintained somewhat strong screen boundaries for many years, but this year has easily been the worst year of digital hygiene since I was a teenager.

For those who don’t know: I’ve been taking four days offline from Instagram every week in 2024, and I don’t use TikTok or Twitter, which leaves me with the painful realisation that my relationship with YouTube is my problem.

YouTube Self Education videos - perhaps the most excusable modern drug - a digital medicine turned into an offline poison through compulsive, unconscious overdose.

How did we end up here?

If you’re anything like me, then you were a kind of weird and dark child who found comfort in screen-based fantasies when you were growing up.

Television, film and video games: the screen offered you an escape from the world you didn’t want to live in.

Things weren’t great in my family home either, so I’m thankful that immersive realms like RuneScape and World of Warcraft got me through my darkest days by giving me a pseudo-self-actualisation outlet for ersatz personal development in my fantasy persona.

(WoW Facts: I was a Tauren Warrior main, and my peak passion was the daily grind of flipping items for profit on the auction house)

I started losing interest in video games when I was sixteen, around the same time I discovered weightlifting and personal development, but self-taught fitness laid the foundations for YouTube addiction in the background of my life - and I mean background in a literal sense, educational videos are the backing track to my walking, training and reading on many occasions.

Maybe you’re like me and also listening to a video while you’re reading this sentence. Split focus, low-grade attention, and that’s my exact problem too.

I love learning on YouTube, and I love actively contributing my own psychology videos to the niche I love, but I’m seriously struggling to switch off from this compulsive pursuit of new knowledge during my offline days.

YouTube self education feels exceptionally enjoyable because it feels like you’re learning despite the fact you’ve spread your attention so thin that you’ve reduced your long-term comprehension to a puddle of its possible depth.

This week I used YouTube to learn how to optimise my investment portfolio, make new gains in my weighted pull-ups, and build some novel bridges between medieval history and trauma psychology for some upcoming videos… but these tangible moments of intentional and rewarding self education were no more than 20% of my time spent watching vaguely educational things.

The rest of the time was trash.

Not trash content, but trash focus - like rushing through a fine meal, or scrolling your phone while half-listening to your friend because you feel bored.

I’m tired of existing within intermittent waves of fitness, finance and psycho-spiritual discussion.

I feel myself getting dumber with my pursuit of intelligence, and this can’t continue.

I only use Instagram on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and these existing boundaries have made me unavoidably aware how much my mood and focus drop within 5 minutes of a semi-conscious YouTube self development session…

POSTSCRIPT: I suddenly stopped writing at this point and spent the next hour watching YouTube videos about the benefits of setting up a second phone without social media (including no YouTube). The logic seemed sound, so I just purchased a used iPhone which I’m going to turn into my ‘offline phone’ to further concretise my existing online/offline routine.

I don’t need many apps on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday (my offline days, no client mentorships either) which makes me think about building this offline phone with the following apps only:

• YouTube Music (most used non-social app)

• Google Docs (where I wrote this post)

• Workout Tracker (no swapping at gym time)

• Alarm Clock (no scrolling in the bedroom)

I might be in a sudden mood, but it's time to stop writing about my problems and start making decisive action to fix my problems.

Building a dumb phone isn’t a new idea, but it’s new to me. Not sure if it makes sense to hijack my own YouTube community post, but I’m going to run this experiment for a couple months and report back to you with a video.

By God’s grace, I hope that the physical materialisation of an ‘offline phone’ to match my ‘offline intentions’ will support deeper focus and deeper peace, even if it does seem somewhat extreme to somebody who doesn’t relate to the feeling of being hooked on YouTube videos.

I need a wall in the concrete, not a line in the sand.

I crave less, not more.

Jordan